I absolutely must get things sorted. NOW. I have to remember what Osho once said. Meaning exists only if it is created. It isn’t something that I’ll chance upon or something that’ll be magically revealed to me.
Everything is inside of me. I just need to recognize it. Like this sudden expression of emotion. I did not know I had it inside me until now.
I am far more comfortable in a known place.
This brings to my mind the documentary filmmaker we had the opportunity yesterday – Samina Mishra. She had made a documentary about 'Home', the concept of it, the creation of one’s identity , the influence of religion on one’s identity.
“Home is a place where one feels at home" , she had said. These words stayed in my mind for what can only be explained as an intrinsic connection.
“Home is a place where one feels at home" , she had said. These words stayed in my mind for what can only be explained as an intrinsic connection.
I feel at home, at peace by myself. I have fun with people, alright. But at the end of the day , I wish to be with myself. Perhaps I like myself more than I realize .
I love watching movies with me, getting addicted to TV series with me, drinking with me(though I will confess that has led to much trouble in the past, enough to scare me away from it for the time being), listening to music with me, clicking photographs with me. Me and I usually have a lot in common. We have great fun together.
But when I’m around others , Me and I seem to run in opposite directions. And I get so messed up. My brains stops functioning smoothly, seems as if some nuts have gotten loose or some bolts have suddenly disappeared. The friction heats my brain up, it locks me up and isolates me from all the fun I am capable of having. And I realize that I am falling into this invincible, unending trench of skeptical thoughts. It is unsettling. And sadly, it is not as pretty as they show it to be in the movies. I do not have a Brad Pitt for an alter ego. Nope. It is just me.
There are no blacks and whites. Its only those films that tell us that. Real life is mostly grey. In fact, it is ALL that exists in this world. You can read in black and white, watch in colour, but we all come back to grey. We are made of grey. We behave grey. We live within the various shades of grey.
But the simple formula to live without this confusion would be to remember that one dialogue from Mirch, a movie I recently saw. The protagonist says that the “market” as such would not cease to exist. SO our challenge is actually to play our own game and use their rules. This may strike some as a slightly passive approach to things but I think it makes sense as far as getting things done is concerned. An important part of life is about getting what you want. Of course, the entire ordeal is finding what it is that you really want. But once you want that, you must play by certain rules to get there. There cannot be speculation about doing those things, because if the rules don’t exist, then Anarchy will rule us, which, as a way of life appears quite a daunting challenge in itself.
I must accept the moment I live in because living through it is the only way I can reach the future. (Alanis Morissette? :D ) Every moment in itself is complete. And every moment is also a part of the larger scheme of things, the "destiny" we are creating for ourselves and others. (Read the Mahabharata and you'll know).
But we shall get into that later.
